I'm not really sure of the evolutionary significance of male-pattern baldness, but it must have majorly saved some lives back when natural selection was pretty much the only determinant of survival, because let me tell you, I have one strong gene for this unfortunate cosmetic disability.
Now, don't try to tell me that it's not noticeable, or that my hair is not getting thinner. First of all, you'd be lying ferociously, and even if it isn't noticeable now, give it three years, and my lack of hair will be anything but discreet.
So what did I try to do? I tried to solve the problem, of course. After weeks that have turned into months, which have turned into years now, I finally decided to work up the courage to go to the drug store and buy some Rogaine. After all, 85% of men have experienced hair regrowth, clinically tested.
Fine, I'm probably working myself up a ton, and setting myself up for a major disappointment, but at least I can say I tried. So I arrived at CVS, walked inside and tried to casually walk to the haircare section. Naturally, I could not find it, and there would be nothing more embarrassing than asking someone to point me towards the hair regrowth products.
After more casual strolling, pretending to busy myself on my phone, I eventually came to find the section. Apparently, hair growth shampoo is in high demand nowadays
because they were fresh out. And it would have to be a cold, cold day in hell before I was going to ask the workers if they had any more Rogaine in the back.
So what's an aging man to do? Take is as a sign? Look at my increasingly balding head as, yet, another symbol of change? Hell, maybe the change will be good. Maybe God is trying to force me to take my focus from superficiality and move it elsewhere.
Or maybe evolution is just trying to take me out, every gay and bald square inch of me.
