I read back over my last four posts hastily just now, as a wave of regret began to sink in. I love to write; I really do, but I started to wonder if this was an appropriate forum for me to voice my feelings. I began to regret my decision to post.
Regret is an odd construct. It's like a cancer that grows inside you, sneakily and covertly, until one day it shows up and completely destroys your entire body. The only difference between cancer and regret is that you cannot make a choice to let cancer in. You can, however, make a choice to allow regret to take over.
The fact of the matter is, my first five years as an openly gay may have been less than easy, and that's what I want to share--with no regrets. I am happy for the each of the lessons I've learned, and that I was able to share love with someone for at least some time. I now know the value of a good relationship, and I am glad to know what true acceptance will mean. I learned to never push and pressure, as well as healthy boundaries and limits. I am saddened that it had to end, but optimistic about the possibilities of getting it right next time.
I feel guilt about any pain I've caused or any messes I've created, and that my current words, however true they might be, are hard to hear. In all honesty, they're hard for me to hear, and even more difficult to reread. But they are raw and real, and they deserve the time they need to run their course--respectfully and without pause.
If I do not confront them, I will begin to regret them. I refuse to let in regret.