I find myself recently plagued with guilt. And it is a truly evil thing. It is the brother of self-pity and shame, and the spawn of selfishness and narcissism. I find myself always wishing that I could do more, whether in my job or my relationships. Perhaps it originates from childhood, or perhaps it has grown throughout my recent adulthood. For whatever reason, it does not matter, because it still seethes underneath my skin regardless of its origin.
But I think the thing I feel most guilty about is the promise that I made. When you tell someone you love them, you are making a promise to them. You are telling them that you will never leave them, and you are telling them that you will be with them no matter what. I have gone back on that promise, selfishly.
It is so hard to draw the line between selfishness and simply taking care of yourself. I truly feel my recent decisions are the best thing for me, but I cannot help but constantly think about the mess I am creating by doing so. And this seems to be the source of my unrelenting guilt.
However, what's worse than placing guilt on yourself is placing guilt on another. While guilt, in and of itself, is a close relative of pitiful and shameful behavior, placing guilt on another is the epitome of anger and insecurity.
No matter where it comes from, or where it is placed, guilt is a cancer, destroying from within. I need to free myself of the guilt, and when I do, moving on will be much easier.
Plus, it makes me feel like Julia Roberts in Eat.Pray.Love, and that is extremely unflattering. Extremely.